Recently, Mixmag published an article titled “Apparently 37 is the age when you’re too old to go clubbing,” which detailed a study conducted by a bunch of couch potatoes who have probably never gotten laid. The flawed research (the respondents are a small pool from a distinct audience, subscribers of Currys PC World) makes a sweeping declaration that it’s some sort of tragedy for anyone over 37 to go out for a night of dancing. Bogus reasons included people would rather watch TV in general, something about weather or expenses, and uh, they’d rather watch people have fun via Facebook. Or they don’t want to get dressed up, or find a babysitter, or a ride, or a reason other than getting laid, which we know they’re not doing anyway.
Thankfully, Mixmag responded with a well-deserved dose of snark, but just not quite enough for this writer. So here are some other rules you should totally follow (begin sarcasm).
If you’re older than 35, you might as well kick the bucket because there is no fun left for you.
Hey, did you know that in your 30s, especially your late 30s (and beyond), you have more money and fewer fucks to give about what people think? Probably not, because you’re old and the only people’s opinions that matter are broke 22-year-olds who think it’s the tits they finally traveled out of state for that one festival. Your taste in music definitely hasn’t gotten any better with age either, and that’s why the world’s worst DJs (worst!) like Claude VonStroke, Nicole Moudaber, Carl Cox, Above & Beyond, and like, all the rest of the headliners, are old. So just go eat your prunes and watch Matlock, because you’re creeping everyone out with your whole continuing-to-live-your-life-as-you-please bullshit. Sad!
The only people allowed to dance are people who are good at dancing.
That’s right, I said it. Unless you’ve competed before the likes of Jennifer Lopez or backed up Beyoncé, keep your damn feet still! No one, NO ONE, is allowed to dance unless you’ve been trained professionally and have 47 YouTube videos posted of you shuffling with your crew. Everyone else is required to stand completely still, or maybe they’re occasionally allowed to nod their heads when the music gets really good. But no dancing! Especially if that dancing makes people, even yourself, smile and have fun, because this shit is serious. Triggered.
And by the way, did you just assume my genre?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
You are only allowed to listen to electronic music if you can identify every single genre perfectly, but you also have to be an expert on one genre and aren’t allowed to listen to anything else. But fuck genres. Exactly! If you can’t label every song you hear with a genre, name every track in one certain genre, and also maintain the stance that you are obviously too cool for genres, yer done! Get out! There’s no room here for people who just like what they like and don’t really know why they like it or care about what it’s called. That’s for suckers who want to have fun without complicating things. Genre politics for all!
Also, we now own you.
You know that rave fam you’ve been hanging out with? They’re more important than your actual family now. Don’t you dare cop out on an event (and by the way, you’re required to go to every single one now) because of your brother’s wedding or your sister’s new baby. Your job? Whatever it was before, your time is now completely devoted to reposting, liking and commenting on EVERYTHING your crew puts on social media, and if you’re friends with any DJs, don’t you dare be friends with DJs of a different crew because that is the literal end of the world. Also, we don’t care if you need to work an actual job to make rent because you now live at this one club. Oh, and all that other music that wasn’t dance music? Not allowed! Whatever you do, don’t put energy into your own personal growth and well-being, cultivating relationships with people who care about you outside of the scene (spoiler alert: they don’t exist), or exploring new places. Cult mentality keeps this thing alive. Now how about some Kool-Aid?
Dance music only exists as a reason to get trashed.
What, did you think it was actually about the music? Ha! Silly rabbit. The whole point of the dance music scene is to get as trashed as humanly possible so that you’re not even paying attention to the music, the experience, or even your own functionality. Everyone is required to drink or do drugs, chase tail, and wake up on some stranger’s kitchen floor in a puddle of vomit that may or may not be their own. Safety, personal responsibility, and making sure people don’t get hurt is for losers who are too good for jail or the hospital. Also, don’t you dare meet the love of your life, participate in charitable events, embark on creative projects, network for a better job, travel to exciting new places, make friends so close you have dinner with their parents, join a fitness community, keep that person from ending their life, be happy for that milestone so-and-so’s kid just reached, adopt that kitten someone found, or really do anything that involves community or a supportive network filled with diverse, capable humans who also just happen to enjoy dance music. No, dance music never made anyone’s life better, especially if they don’t follow these rules.
Seriously, folks. Do what makes you happy, think for yourself, be responsible, and be respectful. Life is too short for stupid rules—especially when you’re pushing 40, amirite! Cheers.
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- Euphoria: The Music - May 3, 2017
- Women in EDM: An Interview with Ill-esha - May 1, 2017
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- I Made This for You: Women in EDM Edition - March 30, 2017